November 18, 2008
Name: Jenn
Age: 39
Location: North Carolina

My girlfriend of almost two years moved to Seattle for a job after her residency. She is 38, no children, was married for 15 years with a man more as friends then came out 3 years ago. I was her second lesbian relationship. since moving she is withdrawn emotionally even though she calls me daily. I have visited her once since she moved 3 months ago. The visit was good, but as soon as we are apart she withdraws emotionally again. Previously to moving she said she thinks she wants to casually date before committing to a long term relationship. I tell her she should do what she wants and needs, but once involved with someone else my interest in a relationship with her stops.

In a year she has made no effort to date anyone else really, but she still keeps it in the way of our relationship moving forward or thriving. She will not make plans for us to see one another even short term and gets mad when I want to make plans. She acts like making plans for us weeks in advance is a long term commitment. I take time off months in advance but let her make the decision. She says she needs to talk to someone but wont do it, not friends or a therapist. She goes through the motions of her feelings and our relationship. I love and adore her but feel like I am holding on to a lost cause. She loves me and misses me but does not want to be with me. I think she is waiting for someone else to come along etc…. she says no.

Dharma's Response:
Dear Jenn,

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain, particularly when there is no plan to reunite on a permanent basis and no regular contact. Sometimes the most loving thing one can do for everyone involved is to end it and move on.

Ending a relationship is always scary and sad. But holding onto a corpse of relationship like the one you’re describing only prolongs the pain. No one is happy. It sounds like your girlfriend is conflicted as much as you, but lacks the courage to do what must be done.

My suggestion would be to tell her that you love her, but that it’s time to move on. End the relationship. Don’t get dragged into promises of change. It ain’t gonna happen. Stop the suffering and get on with your life.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher

Read what Dharma's fellow advice panelists had to say.

In June 2008, Kelly Leszczynski, creator of The Lesbian Lifestyle blog, enlisted the help of Dharma and three other lesbians for an advice panel.

Here are the other advice columnists:

Kelly Leszczynski (aka GoldStarDyke)

Tina-cious

Shanna Katz

Lori Hahn

Each member of the advice panel draws on her unique background and areas of expertise to provide advice seekers well-rounded solutions to their problems.

To submit your own question to the panel, visit The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panel page.