God's Laughter (Undoing the Damage) | I Believe in Willingness | The Power of A Smile
Catch and Release | Gentle Vigilance | Got Butterflies?

July 2006

Catch and Release

The other morning, I got into my little pick’em up truck on my way to a writer’s conference. The day before, my partner had borrowed my truck to haul something. At the time, I had reminded her to stop for gas, because less than a quarter tank remained in the truck. When I got into my truck the next day, I noticed the fuel gauge. It was not on “E”. It was about two inches BELOW “E”. That’s when my ego came charging up to “handle” the situation.

I managed to drive around the corner to the nearest gas station and, while I was fueling up, picked up my cell phone. Guess who I called? Yup, my partner. Any guesses on the tone of my voice? Was I calm and respectful? Are you kidding? No, I was in Blame City! All the while, I was staring blankly at my license plate, which reads (are you ready for this?) AGAPE2U, which in LicenseSpeak means “unconditional love to you”.

The point of this story (aside from reminding you to always check your fuel gauge) is that we all get upset from time to time. There is a tendency among some of us to deny this annoying little truth. We would much rather keep those feelings stuffed deep into our subconscious and heavily sedated (because that worked so well for us in the past…not!). But denying and burying our negative feelings is not the answer. They will manifest themselves one way or another if left to their own devices (sneaky little devils aren’t they?). That’s why I’ve adopted a “catch and release” program.

On July 8th, I celebrate 10 years of sobriety, an accomplishment that has been a long time in coming (10 years in fact). My life before can best be described as Hell on Earth. I really was a sick little chick. I was the embodiment of out-of-control, destructive behaviors driven recklessly by full-throttle negative emotions. How I survived I do not know. Perhaps I was saved for a divine purpose, like annoying you with my hazy recollections of my drinking days.

Having spent the last decade on an intensive spiritual journey, I have a tendency to avoid any negative emotions because of my hyper-awareness of their destructive nature. I am not alone in this (which is good because I hate to be alone!). A lot of self-help gurus tell us that we should not be angry. We should not be judgmental. We should not be resentful. We should not engage in self-pity, etc. Oh, and we shouldn’t “should” on ourselves or others. Oh darn, I’m doing it again!

To an extent, there is a lot of wisdom in avoiding negative emotions. Many of us who are looking for a better life have made great efforts to root out the negative thought patterns that previously made us so miserable. As a result, we are no longer caught up in the nightmarish drama that once ruled our lives. Yea for us!

However, even the most enlightened of us still get triggered (except me, I NEVER get triggered…yeah, right!) So what do we do with emotions like anger and sadness and resentment when they arise? Well, I’ve taken to a “catch and release” program. As many of you may know, “catch and release” is a fishing technique that allows fishermen (and fisherwomen, to be politically correct) to catch fish, but requires them to release them back into the water in order to maintain the population. This allows the fisherpersons (okay, now that just sounds silly) to enjoy the sport of fishing without wrecking the local ecosystem.

How does this apply to negative emotions? When a negative emotion arises, we give ourselves permission to feel (“catch”) it for a brief period, but then we let go (“release”) of it. This approach prevents the hypervigilant tendency we may have to suppress any emotion we don’t like, while at the same time not leading us back into the Hell of a life ruled by anger, self-pity and fear. This does not mean that we can act out with these emotions in ways that harm ourselves or others. It simply means that we allow ourselves to be in the moment and feel the emotions, and then let go of them, if necessary with help from our Higher Power (i.e. God, our Source, etc.).

So letting yourself feel ticked off for a few moments when someone cuts you off in traffic is cool, but running them off the road…not so cool! In the case of the gas in my truck, allowing myself to feel the frustration was helpful, but calling up my partner and shaming her not filling up the tank was not helpful to either one of us (I apologized to her about 10 minutes later, by the way).

How long you hold onto an emotion before releasing it is an individual decision, and can vary depending on the situation. If you get stuck behind a stalled car during rush hour (can you tell I have issues with driving?), it might be appropriate to feel a bit miffed for a minute or two. Any longer than that and you risk hosting a pity party for one.

The ending of a relationship or the death of a loved one brings up more intense emotions of grief and may require more time and effort to work through. Don’t force it, just don’t let it re-landscape your world into an emotional swamp complete with mosquitoes the size of a Buick.

Do what you can to prevent negative emotions from arising by re-training your mind with prayer, meditation, journaling, reading inspirational or self-help books, and limiting exposure to negative messages from T.V., movies, music and your mother who keeps asking you when you’re going to make her a grandmother. But when negative emotions arise (and they will!), don’t deny them. Don’t bury them. Just remember “catch and release”!